For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! —Romans 5:10, NIV
First, I couldn't fathom how much damage I was doing to you and your name. I wanted you to erase my memory from the face of the earth, abuse me, forget me...But no, you kept following me even when I never wanted to be followed. You wanted to work something out with me, but I never wanted to...I was so afraid of all the horrible things I said to you. And you never gave up on me, you sweetly promised.
Then came the anger at myself. Surely enough, all the lies accumulated and the pain exploded to unbearable proportions that I needed to find a way to punish myself by punishing you. Hate, an interesting thing: one day you channel your impulses to hate someone when the other day you simply wanted to hate yourself. You said numerous times that you never wanted to see me suffer because you also suffered. And yes, it was my fault (as it always is), but past is past and now we can work hope again. You wanted to spare me from wrath. You wanted to hug me, comfort me, tell me that you never gave up on me, that you never will.
Am I not your enemy anymore? Have you never seen me as one? Am I worthy to be loved by you again? Because many voices say it's not worth it, and I try to shut them within me—yet they seem to grow stronger and stronger each time I reach out to you.
But you don't care about my worth, you say: you simply want to love me. And, for some reason, you want me to stop making an enemy out of myself.