Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test. (2 Corinthians 13:5-6)
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Since I wrote about how much the so-called “Gay Scandals” to my life, God has picked me up in His grace. Only Him, and only Him knows me well. This makes me reflect: what can I be without God? Sharing this experience has become a DEFCON-1 for me. I know by faith that God has touched hearts, and there’s no need to get further. God knows my pain on telling- nay,- writing such horrendous and shameful past. But forgive-and-forget has not worked out for me. Surrendering my past to Him is harder than I thought, even with the largest of faiths. But there’s a hope: Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2) On what hope can I count on! Now, guilt has -and shouldn’t- pick up where my sins have left. As guilty as I may feel, my eyes are fixed on Jesus for help, grace and life. Turn your eyes to Jesus today… Because no condemnation holds for us, and we are free by love. “See now that I myself am He! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand.” (Deuteronomy 32:29) Remember the wonders he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he pronounced, O descendants of Israel his servant, O sons of Jacob, his chosen ones. (1 Chronicles 16:12-13) Can you grow a plant? Yes.
Can you choose the seed(s)? Yes. Can you choose where the plant will grow? Yes. Can you create a pot where the plant will grow? Yes. Can you know how much the plant will feed? Maybe. Can you know when’s the best time to plant a plant? Maybe. Can you pick the lighting that the plant needs? No. Can you pick how fast or slow time will need for the plant to grow? No. Can you know why there are more plants that we will ever need or care to? No. Can you know that God takes care of plants like He takes care of us? Yes! This is the follow-up of the now-famous humilliation rant that I gave yesterday.
To those who have not sync-ed in to the blog, I was ranting heavily about my inability to defend myself and being heavily picked on. I was pretty and strongly upset for this, and I used strong language (not cursing, y’know!). Meanwhile, I thank rEVO, Kaza, Cambover, and Steph for those words and their encouragement. I feel very blessed for these people, and those that have also read it that I don’t know about. It was kinda relieving taking one of my crosses and showcasing it to the Anglophone world! (Sé que la gran mayoría no entiende el español, pero les agradezco a todos. Dios los bendiga, y !el blog va a seguir!) The blog must go on! …that can make me feel like crap. (Yeah! I said it!) I’m sick and tired of being insulted and me not saying anything. I’m tired of Googling “why people can’t (insert)” on there. I’m tired of questioning to God WHY I HAVE THE FLAW OF NOT DEFENDING MYSELF FROM EVEN MY OWN FAMILY! I don’t know if I’m weak or just a plain idiot, then why I like to be humiliated, bashed, verbally beaten, and a plain masochist? This ain’t Mamut talking, I’m totally OOC here. No Mamut is talking the pain; I’m the Joe that has feelings and that has dignity unknown. Why I can’t rebound from my own problems? Why do I have to linger pain and guilt of my inability to cope with such things, and then hear my mother’s anger? How much do I have to pray, fast, and read the Bible to get an answer? How much do I have to handle before exploding like an idiot? How much can I go before bashing myself in front of everybody in Cyberspace!!?? Writing is not helping, not one bit. It hurts that someone says to me an “idiot”, where I can’t find peace, where I’m hit in my jugular. Where I fell wounded, hurt, torturing… myself. Lord, help me realize my weakness. I’m being too earnest, but please break me where I need to be broken. Strengthen me where I need to be strong. Make me rise in my weakness and start over, not to question Your paths, but to be glorified in me. Where I can go, cover where I fail. Remove all guilt from me, and all my brokenness Forgive me for not being at ease with the things that happen to me. I ask for Your wisdom, where Your power is made known where I feel hurt, broken, and confused. In Your name I pray, according to Your will… AMEN. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (1 Corinthians 12:10) I was going to write about hipocrisy, and how it’s affecting the Church, especially where I live. But it wouldn’t be fair, as I would end up doing the same, and for the wrong reasons: to call out “potential hypocrites”, and not for the glory of God. Plus, the title has something more to say: So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. (Jeremiah 18:3-4) For giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young…(Proverbs 1:4) |
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