“See now that I myself am He! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand.” (Deuteronomy 32:29)
Every time I’m bummed, I hear “Amazing Love”, by Hillsong. Beautiful song. It makes me think how wonderful is God’s grace; more, His love. How deep is His love for us! But how we can fathom it?
With summer dwindling in my book, a pending reset in America, and a pool of uncertainty, things in the past have haunted me back again. And I have to open up.
(I am so gonna regret this.) I have faced 20 months of Hell blaming myself for watching… (I can’t key at this point.) gay porn. God saved me from whatever I was sliding too, but the goings went worse. (Throwing my skeletons off was not what I planned.) This battle raged to the point of living a double-life in secret. This is why I hate July.
It wasn’t until a computer virus that it stopped. Now, every male ab in TV freaks me out. Every shot down the belly to the pelvis drives me in a panic of crazy. God has forgiven me, I know. But, has He timed my healing, or has He healed my time? I do not know. But have I healed myself?
Just the thought that “gay porn” was in my lingo shivers me to this day. Just the thought that I couldn’t control myself, not even with my parents, makes me tremble. Does that make me part of who I am? No. Who I was? Yes. But the testimony has marked me. Forever. Now, to whom can I tell this embarrasing experience?
Can I take the good from the bad, the one that I myself created? Can God heal time? Can God time healing? Can He erase my name, just so He can write it better and more clearer? Can I pray without driving guilt as my force?
Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes and Yes. God can do all of this. Jesus paid for it, and He made me righteous, declared me His Son. Title I’ll be proud of hanging all my life. God has healed time, made it start over. God has timed my healing, not on a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, but all my life.
Thank You, for sharing this experience is hard on me, but it served as a value of Your love, Your time, and Your healing.